I realize I have titled this blog The Happiest Single Mom but sometimes, I admit, I am not always happy.
It’s hard to be happy when you’re struggling to pay the bills. I juggle between the bills I pay every month – this month I’ll pay water, next month I’ll pay gas – and how much I spend on food. I cry and stress when I think that my growing daughter needs activities but I can barely pay for her aftercare while I’m still at work. I get angry at the lack of timely child support and get angrier still when I realize I need it. This wasn’t the case 3 years ago when I had a full time job. The child support was extra or for my daughter’s activities, not an absolute necessity. Now it is.
I get sad and angry when I think that I left a full time job on the premise that my then narcissistic, momma’s boy husband and I actually had a marriage. It was aaaaalll fiction. If I had known I’d end up a single parent again, I never would have left that job. I would have muddled through with the bullying and crappy supervisor I had and the dead end nature of the position but at least had enough money to thrive.
As a single mom, I know many single parents like me feel the same type of things. Whether it’s questioning their decision to leave a crappy partner, or leave a crappy job, or feeling sad and angry that maybe they were forced into this role without a choice. I get it – I feel it. I’m sorry…for you and me.
I also know damn well that there are many folks who will not leave a crappy relationship or marriage because they don’t want to go through this struggle. They don’t want to be me. People put up with horrible relationships and marriages for years and years because they know how hard it’s gonna be and they cannot do that. My theory is that over 50% of marriages end in divorce and half of the marriages that stay together only do so because they don’t want to be alone or raise children as a single parent. If they knew they could support themselves and their families without the struggle, I bet they’d leave. Nobody wants to be sad and live in an unsatisfying relationship.
So, I guess there is a sense of courage that those of us who manage things as a single parent must feel. Despite the numerous days that appear unmanageable, difficult, stressful, embarrassing, and almost impossible, we seem to struggle through and make it till tomorrow. We juggle the bills and buy food at the dollar store. We write checks to buy necessities anticipating the paycheck coming in a few days. We borrow money and pray that the car doesn’t break down or we avoid getting sick enough to need to pay for a doctor visit with money we don’t have. We keep believing that somehow, someday, it’s gonna get better and easier. Despite the fear that many people would feel at the financial poverty, the loneliness, the singular nature of this adventure, WE keep going. WE keep believing. In the face of fear WE keep going forward and don’t give in to the fear. That’s the definition of courage, people. If that’s the one thing that keeps me going, it’s the knowledge that I am more courageous than many people. I am more tenacious. I am stronger for this and maybe that strength will change my life. And despite how unhappy I am many days, I remain optimistic about the future. I still dream. I still hope.
On another note, I was thinking in the car on the way home why some people feel the need to poop or pee in front of their partner. Now, I can see if there is only one bathroom and you HAVE to go when your partner is in the bathroom. But if that’s not the case, why not wait a few minutes and have some privacy? I mean, what benefit does pooping in front of your partner offer? Does anyone really need to share their bodily functions? Do some folks think this is (ugh) romantic? I never thought it was necessary as a married person to relieve myself in front of my husband. It’s got nothing to do with being natural. I mean, foot stink and skid marks in undies is natural too but do we want to share that? I think it’s more romantic to sit with some coffee and pay the bills. At least you’re accomplishing something as a couple, right? What is accomplished by shitting in front of someone else?
Oh, and I think the Canadian Geese in Rahway that I’m obsessed with flew south for the winter. I love seeing them with their chicks when I drive through this industrial part of that town. I look out for them every night and I usually see them. The last week or two, though, I haven’t seen them so I think they took off. I wish them well. I’d love to see them in the Spring but I hope I have a better job and different commute by then…
This is the stuff I think about on my commute home when I’m alone. It’s silly stuff but it relieves the stress and sadness and makes me laugh to myself for a few minutes.
The Happiest Single Mom 